I guess I should start with the fact that at this point in the game, I still don't quite feel comfortable in my own skin (well, Allison's skin, actually...) It has NEVER taken me this long to feel at ease with a character. Which makes me wonder, what the hell am I doing wrong?
Scott mentioned in his blog this week that in many ways, I am essentially playing myself in a world full of characters with very big, exaggerated personalities, which is why I am having a hard time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound whiny and ungrateful here. I wanted Allison, and I'm glad I got the role. She just isn't quite what I expected...
Scott keeps telling me I'm on the right track and going good work, so I think what I need to do is just trust that. Easier said than done though. I look around at all these amazing character actors that I share the stage with and I wonder if I fit in and if I'm doing enough. That's so me, though. I'm still in my head right now, wondering if I'm loud enough, or funny enough, or bubbly enough. But as long as it's honest and genuine, who cares, right?
I'm also quite the perfectionist, which can be both good and bad. I get pissed at myself for missing lines and blocking that I should know by now. Plus, at this point in the game, I'm usually really good at blocking out all of the distracting but hilarious things that my cast mates are doing. It's mostly Zak and Dowdy, but that's what they do and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wish I could be equally as clever and witty. However, I find that I'm breaking all over the place. I can't seem to keep my focus. I don't think I've made it through "Girl Can I Kiss You" or "Nobody Gets Me" once without screwing those scenes up. I've got to get my shit together.
Another aspect that I think will help is when I get all of the "elements" of Allison together. The wig, the clothes, the shoes...I think those details will definitely help me shape her better. It's hard to feel sweet, innocent and giggly when I'm standing around in black converse and jeans. I know that I should be able to dig into character without those things, but to me, little ballet flats and a pink 50's dress can make all the difference. Even when I tried on pieces of my costumes, I immediately felt different because I looked so different. And I think the look of Allison will help me step further away from playing myself.
Ok, enough with the bitching, I'm still having a wonderful time. I love these people, they're like my family, and even when I fuck up, they're still supportive. I'm really proud of this cast, they're all freaking amazing. Sometimes I find myself enjoying what they're doing so much that I forget I have lines too. The other great thing about this process is that no matter how crappy I might feel about what I'm doing, it's still New Line and it's still my second home, essentially. I still feel like I have the most freedom of creative expression here than I do anywhere else. And speaking of anywhere else...
Over the past few weeks, I've gone on a few auditions that didn't go as well as I'd planned. Basically, I didn't fit into the mold they were looking for and they asked me to change some things about myself. At first I was super down about it, thinking that I had to try to change things around in order to "be accepted," if you will. But then it finally hit me: the hell with those people. I don't fit the mold, and I'm proud of that. I DO have what it takes, just not in the cookie cutter way. It's time to stop trying to be what I'm not, and just accept the talent I have and the way that I am and run with it. Wow, that was incredibly optimistic of me...and if you know me, that's rare...
One of my favorite things about the process right now is how much fun we're having together, both in rehearsal and outside of it. Another cast trip to Jon Donut is in order very soon!
Until next time...
Trailer
No comments:
Post a Comment